Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
