Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I puked a lego.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
