Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drunk is not a location!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
