So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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