my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
