Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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