Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
