Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
