why didn't you poke me back
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
