i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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