Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
