You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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