if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
