The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
