fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
