dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
