If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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