At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
