if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
