Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
