You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
