What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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