Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
