his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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