i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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