you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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