I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
