I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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