Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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