this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
