I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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