don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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