I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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