I faked an abortion last night.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
