I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
