I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
