He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
