You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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