so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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