On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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