Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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