So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
