I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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