Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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