Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
