Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
send nudes
from the living room?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
