Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
