I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
