I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
