cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
