I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
